Good communication is important in any relationship: family, friends, romantic relationships, work. You have to talk and you have to listen. Sounds simple, but it rarely is. Most conflicts in an intimate relationship are not about the conflict, they are about BEING HEARD - feeling valued, important, loved. When we listen to our partners and they listen to us, the underlying message is you are important to me. Being heard and having our needs met is sometimes more important than getting our way or having our partner agree with us.
Having ADHD can interfere with good communication in a variety of ways:
- Distractibility - often what's going on in your head is louder than what your partner is saying and your partner thinks you are ignoring him. Sometimes the distractions are external...TV, music, street noise. Either way, your partner feels ignored and slighted.
- Impulsivity - sometimes poor impulse control can the get the ADHD person in trouble over and over again - when you speak your mind at the wrong time, "open mouth, insert foot". Sometimes the need to get it "all out there" lest you forget what you want to say leaves your partner feeling frustrated and discounted.
- Changing the subject - nothing ever gets resolved, neither partner feels heard, and neither partner knows how you got from point A to point B.
- Low self-esteem - After being told for years that you are not good enough, or you could (and should) do better, you learn to become defensive even if noone is accusing you of anything. You spend more time and energy presenting your case than listening to what your partner is really saying. Because you so often feel on the defensive, you may misinterpret your partner's message.
These are just a few of the challenges a person with ADHD faces when communicating with others. What are some of your challenges? I'd love to hear from you.
If you want to increase the effectiveness of your communications you first need to understand where the other person is coming from. "Seek first to understand, then to be understood" recommends Stephen Covey. When you listen carefully to another person, you give that person "psychological air". Once that need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem-solving.
Good listeners don't interrupt, especially to correct mistakes or make points. They don't judge. They think before answering, concentrate on what is being said, avoid rehearsing answers while the other person is speaking, and they don't insist on having the last word.
If you are an adult with ADHD and want to improve your relationships, I would like to help. E-mail me with your questions and problems. I specialize in helping adults with ADHD develop better relationships by teaching them strategies to improve communication, raise self-esteem, and focus on what's important to them.
