Build a Better Relationship

Bridging the Communication Gap

What's all the fuss about violins on TV?  Anyone who remembers the brilliant Gilda Radner's character Emily Litella on Saturday Night Live can relate to the confusion of mishearing someone's message.  We know, of course, that the issue was violence on TV, not violins.

The bedrock of any successful relationship is clear communication.  Webster defines communication as "the exchange of ideas, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, or writing."  Every communication has a desired intention (the message the speaker sends to the listener), and that message has an impact on the listener.

Clear, conscious communication means having the impact you intended to have, that is, intent equals impact.  It is important to note that all messages also have two components: a content component, which is the printed word meaning of the message, and a  feeling component (each partner's internal world) which is how  the content is delivered as  well as received.  It  is this  feeling component which can interfere with clear communication.  An example of how the feeling       component of a communication can create conflict is what I call the "YOU" message:

   

When will YOU ever learn?
    YOU'RE always so judgmental
    Why do YOU have to be so insensitive?
    Why don't YOU talk to me"

Get the picture?  "YOU" messages are directed at the other person and have a high probability of putting them down, making them feel that their needs are not important, and generally making them resist change.

To counteract the negative outcome of a "YOU" message, I suggest you try what I affectionately call the "whenyouIfeelIneed" message or the "I" message for short.  These messages, rather than blaming or attacking, are statements of fact, about how another person's behavior is affecting you, that is, how it makes you feel.  "I" messages put the responsibility for modifying the behavior on the person who is exhibiting that behavior.  The framework of an "I" message  consists of three parts:

    1.  Describing the behavior objectively;  When you say you're angry and you're smiling....
    2.  Stating the resulting feeling you experience; I feel confused....
    3.  The tangible effect it has on you, i.e. its consequences; It makes it difficult for me to trust         what you have to say.

The two basic rules to follow to initiate clear, conscious communication is:
    Accept responsibility for your actions instead of blaming the other person, and
    Be specific and express yourself clearly using "I" messages.

I am committed to helping people who are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and unappreciated in their relationships develop strategies to improve their lives and loves and live with intention and purpose.  To find out more, visit my website at http://harriettelowenstein.marriage-family.com.  There you can sign up for my FREE Life Strategies newsletter.

I welcome your questions and comments.

Welcome

Communicate Better, Create an Atmosphere of Cooperation, and Celebrate Your Life

I created this blog specifically for people who want a better  relationship with themselves, their partner, friends, children, and/or co-workers.

I invite your to become informed, inspired, and involved as you strive to build strong, loving relationships.

"Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!"  said the Duchess in  Alice in Wonderland.  So long as we have ears to hear and eyes to see, so long will love lead the rhythm of the world.

February 14 is Valentine's Day and, with that in mind, I want to encourage you to love well and often.  Studies have shown that people who are happily married are healthier and live longer than than those who are unhappily married.  A study done by Lois Verburgge and James House of the University of Michigan determined "that an unhappy marriage can increase your chance for getting sick by roughly 35% and even shorten your life by an average of four years."

So what makes a happy marriage?  The key seems to be a deep, abiding friendship of good quality.  Believing that one's partner wants the best for us, as well as for themselves, somehow can give us the hope to move beyond the difficulties of the moment. Friendship within marriage requires many skills, but there are two that are essential for a healthy marriage.  The first, according to John Gottman, co-director of the Seattle Marriage and Family Institute, is that there must be a generally positive atmosphere in the marriage in both nonconflict and conflict situations.  The second is that couples who are good friends can reduce the emotional fallout from their conflicts by accepting each others feelings without judgment or criticism.

When marriage works, it works because conflict is faced and worked through, and feelings are expressed an understood.  Happy couples trust both each other and their relationship enough not to back away from the feelings that come with conflict, while continuing to respect each other throughout the duration of the conflict.

I have helped couples in all stages of life to improve their relationships and their lives.  Whether you are working on issues in a new relationship, or looking to revive the spark in an established one, I can help you build a relationship that brings joy to your life and those in it.

I invite you to visit my website at http://harriettelowenstein.marriage-family.com and sign up to receive my FREE newsletter, Success Strategies For Living Your Life ON Purpose.  Every issue offers insights into how to develop a stronger relationship, and live a life of purpose and joy.