What's all the fuss about violins on TV? Anyone who remembers the brilliant Gilda Radner's character Emily Litella on Saturday Night Live can relate to the confusion of mishearing someone's message. We know, of course, that the issue was violence on TV, not violins.
The bedrock of any successful relationship is clear communication. Webster defines communication as "the exchange of ideas, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, or writing." Every communication has a desired intention (the message the speaker sends to the listener), and that message has an impact on the listener.
Clear, conscious communication means having the impact you intended to have, that is, intent equals impact. It is important to note that all messages also have two components: a content component, which is the printed word meaning of the message, and a feeling component (each partner's internal world) which is how the content is delivered as well as received. It is this feeling component which can interfere with clear communication. An example of how the feeling component of a communication can create conflict is what I call the "YOU" message:
When will YOU ever learn?
YOU'RE always so judgmental
Why do YOU have to be so insensitive?
Why don't YOU talk to me"
Get the picture? "YOU" messages are directed at the other person and have a high probability of putting them down, making them feel that their needs are not important, and generally making them resist change.
To counteract the negative outcome of a "YOU" message, I suggest you try what I affectionately call the "whenyouIfeelIneed" message or the "I" message for short. These messages, rather than blaming or attacking, are statements of fact, about how another person's behavior is affecting you, that is, how it makes you feel. "I" messages put the responsibility for modifying the behavior on the person who is exhibiting that behavior. The framework of an "I" message consists of three parts:
1. Describing the behavior objectively; When you say you're angry and you're smiling....
2. Stating the resulting feeling you experience; I feel confused....
3. The tangible effect it has on you, i.e. its consequences; It makes it difficult for me to trust what you have to say.
The two basic rules to follow to initiate clear, conscious communication is:
Accept responsibility for your actions instead of blaming the other person, and
Be specific and express yourself clearly using "I" messages.
I am committed to helping people who are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and unappreciated in their relationships develop strategies to improve their lives and loves and live with intention and purpose. To find out more, visit my website at http://harriettelowenstein.marriage-family.com. There you can sign up for my FREE Life Strategies newsletter.
I welcome your questions and comments.
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