Build a Better Relationship

Recommitting

Wow!  I can't believe how long it's been since my last post.  Was  I too busy?  Too lazy?  Too distracted?  Whatever the reason, I am back and recommitting to connect with my readers regularly.

Speaking of recommitting....how are you doing on your 2007 goals?  We are officially half-way through the year.  Are you half-way to your goals?  It is a fact - most people lose momentum and go back to doing what they know and then wonder what happened to their dream.  No matter how well you plan or how well you execute your plan, you are bound to meet with disappointment, adversity, or failure along the way.  It seems the "universe" is always testing your commitment to the goal/dream you're pursuing.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Confucius   

Whenever you run into a roadblock, stop and brainstorm three ways to get around it, get over it, or get through it.  There are many strategies that will work, but you will only find them if you spend time looking for them.  Always be solution-oriented in your thinking.  Persevere until you find a way that works.  Challenges are what give you the opportunity to develop your inner resources of character and courage...  To build a better relationship with yourself.

Recommit to your dreams.  Refuse to settle for anything less.  The one quality that will guarantee your success is the willingness to persevere, to see it through to the end.  No matter how hard it seems, the more you persist, the more likely your success will be.   

Therapy vs Coaching

More and more people are asking me about personal or relationship coaching.  Several have asked me, "what is a life and relationship coach and how is coaching different from psychotherapy?"  Until recently, personal coaching has been confined to corporations where it is commonly known as executive coaching.  Today life coaching is finding its way into the public domain, assisting people in achieving a more fulfilling, rewarding, and balanced life.  Perhaps life coaching is just what you've been waiting for to help you enrich your already satisfying life.

Just as there are athletic coaches, voice coaches, and acting coaches, there are life and relationship coaches.  Life coaches are usually professionally trained mental health practitioners who have developed special skills in helping individuals develop their potential and fulfill their goals.  Since 1994, the number of life coaches has grown from an estimated 1000 nationwide to more than 10,000 today.  As people seek to achieve greater fulfillment from their work, their marriages, and their life in general, the need for life coaches will continue to increase.  In the past, many people sought psychotherapy for personal growth not just for treatment of emotional problems or mental illness.  Now people can turn to life coaches whose focus is on growth and development of all areas of one's life rather than on internal stress and emotional conflict.

So....what is the difference between coaching and psychotherapy?

1. Coaching is not therapy.  Life coaches don't work on "issues" or delve into the past.  They don't focus on resolving past traumas, attempt to alleviate psychic pain, anxiety, depression, or sexual dysfunction (although these issues may be addressed within the coaching process).
2. Psychotherapy focuses on the past and the present; coaching focuses on the present and the future.  A coach focuses on the goals that the client sets for him/herself, and works collaboratively with the client to keep him/her on track toward reaching that goal. 
3. In psychotherapy the assumption is that there is something wrong that gets in the way of a person's functioning that needs fixing.  In coaching the assumption is that there is nothing wrong with the client, but the client want a better life. 
4. In psychotherapy the focus is on the client's internal world; in coaching the focus is on the client's entire life including health, relationships, career, spirituality, financial health and how it all fits together to create a balanced life.

A life and relationship coach has no agenda, but that of her clients.  It is one of the few relationships where the client's agenda is the only one that matters.  Life and relationship coaches want to assist you in actualizing your agenda on your terms.

"How can I know whether I need a coach or a therapist?

Generally, people seek psychotherapy when they experience psychological pain that interferes with the conduct of their everyday lives such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, or a feeling that they are not functioning to capacity.  Coaching begins where psychotherapy leaves off. A coach assumes that the client is well-functioning and is encountering a roadblock or finding it difficult to get to the next level to greater fulfillment.  People who turn to coaches are generally high-functioning and successful people who have a desire to go beyond where they are, but feel that they would like someone to work with them to achieve their goals.  The role of the coach is to  provide support  to enhance the skills, resources, and creativity the client already  possesses.

If you have questions regarding coaching or psychotherapy, I am available for consultation.  E-mail me with your questions and don't forget to visit my website at http://harriettelowenstein.marriage-family.com.

Bridging the Communication Gap

What's all the fuss about violins on TV?  Anyone who remembers the brilliant Gilda Radner's character Emily Litella on Saturday Night Live can relate to the confusion of mishearing someone's message.  We know, of course, that the issue was violence on TV, not violins.

The bedrock of any successful relationship is clear communication.  Webster defines communication as "the exchange of ideas, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, or writing."  Every communication has a desired intention (the message the speaker sends to the listener), and that message has an impact on the listener.

Clear, conscious communication means having the impact you intended to have, that is, intent equals impact.  It is important to note that all messages also have two components: a content component, which is the printed word meaning of the message, and a  feeling component (each partner's internal world) which is how  the content is delivered as  well as received.  It  is this  feeling component which can interfere with clear communication.  An example of how the feeling       component of a communication can create conflict is what I call the "YOU" message:

   

When will YOU ever learn?
    YOU'RE always so judgmental
    Why do YOU have to be so insensitive?
    Why don't YOU talk to me"

Get the picture?  "YOU" messages are directed at the other person and have a high probability of putting them down, making them feel that their needs are not important, and generally making them resist change.

To counteract the negative outcome of a "YOU" message, I suggest you try what I affectionately call the "whenyouIfeelIneed" message or the "I" message for short.  These messages, rather than blaming or attacking, are statements of fact, about how another person's behavior is affecting you, that is, how it makes you feel.  "I" messages put the responsibility for modifying the behavior on the person who is exhibiting that behavior.  The framework of an "I" message  consists of three parts:

    1.  Describing the behavior objectively;  When you say you're angry and you're smiling....
    2.  Stating the resulting feeling you experience; I feel confused....
    3.  The tangible effect it has on you, i.e. its consequences; It makes it difficult for me to trust         what you have to say.

The two basic rules to follow to initiate clear, conscious communication is:
    Accept responsibility for your actions instead of blaming the other person, and
    Be specific and express yourself clearly using "I" messages.

I am committed to helping people who are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and unappreciated in their relationships develop strategies to improve their lives and loves and live with intention and purpose.  To find out more, visit my website at http://harriettelowenstein.marriage-family.com.  There you can sign up for my FREE Life Strategies newsletter.

I welcome your questions and comments.

Welcome

Communicate Better, Create an Atmosphere of Cooperation, and Celebrate Your Life

I created this blog specifically for people who want a better  relationship with themselves, their partner, friends, children, and/or co-workers.

I invite your to become informed, inspired, and involved as you strive to build strong, loving relationships.

"Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!"  said the Duchess in  Alice in Wonderland.  So long as we have ears to hear and eyes to see, so long will love lead the rhythm of the world.

February 14 is Valentine's Day and, with that in mind, I want to encourage you to love well and often.  Studies have shown that people who are happily married are healthier and live longer than than those who are unhappily married.  A study done by Lois Verburgge and James House of the University of Michigan determined "that an unhappy marriage can increase your chance for getting sick by roughly 35% and even shorten your life by an average of four years."

So what makes a happy marriage?  The key seems to be a deep, abiding friendship of good quality.  Believing that one's partner wants the best for us, as well as for themselves, somehow can give us the hope to move beyond the difficulties of the moment. Friendship within marriage requires many skills, but there are two that are essential for a healthy marriage.  The first, according to John Gottman, co-director of the Seattle Marriage and Family Institute, is that there must be a generally positive atmosphere in the marriage in both nonconflict and conflict situations.  The second is that couples who are good friends can reduce the emotional fallout from their conflicts by accepting each others feelings without judgment or criticism.

When marriage works, it works because conflict is faced and worked through, and feelings are expressed an understood.  Happy couples trust both each other and their relationship enough not to back away from the feelings that come with conflict, while continuing to respect each other throughout the duration of the conflict.

I have helped couples in all stages of life to improve their relationships and their lives.  Whether you are working on issues in a new relationship, or looking to revive the spark in an established one, I can help you build a relationship that brings joy to your life and those in it.

I invite you to visit my website at http://harriettelowenstein.marriage-family.com and sign up to receive my FREE newsletter, Success Strategies For Living Your Life ON Purpose.  Every issue offers insights into how to develop a stronger relationship, and live a life of purpose and joy.